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VATICAN CITY (The Borowitz Report)—JD Vance will represent Satan at Pope Francis’s funeral this weekend, the Devil confirmed on Thursday.
In a rare public statement, the Prince of Darkness said that he could not attend the funeral himself because it conflicts with a Tesla board meeting.
Explaining his choice of Vance, Beelzebub said, “If you can’t have me, JD is the next best thing.”
But longtime Vatican-watcher Harland Dorrinson criticized Satan’s decision to send Vance, noting, “With Trump in attendance, this seems like overkill.”
TBR Question of the Day: If JD is unavailable, who else could Satan send?
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